National Infertility Awareness Week: Our Story

Did you know that 1 out of every 8 couples struggles to get pregnant or sustain pregnancy?? Pretty sad right? I bet that someone you know has gone through infertility struggles, miscarried, etc but it's NOT something that is widely talked about. I have always been very open about our journey but I know that not everyone is comfortable with sharing their story or others aren't comfortable with talking about it with them. I can understand that but I think it's important to share our story so others know that they aren't alone. In true Jessica style, I am going to share a lot with you in this post. So grab a snack, a beverage, and get comfy. This is going to be a long post!

We started trying to conceive almost four years ago. Just typing that makes me so sad. Four years of actively tracking ovulation and every little symptom, scheduling things around when I could conceive, doctors appointments galore, medications, shots, negative pregnancy tests, and the constant rollercoaster of emotions that comes with all that. It's exhausting and sad.

We were trying for about a year and a half before we went to a doctor. I knew that the "average" amount of time to get pregnant is about a year and then you add in my husband's crazy schedule, it makes it a little hard. In hindsight, I should have seen a doctor earlier because I knew that something had to be wrong. The doctor ordered a plethora of tests for me including the lovely HSG and saline sonogram. The tests concluded that I have a bicornuate uterus and PCOS. Now the weight gain, hair loss, and inconsistent cycles were all making sense.

My doctor decided to put me on Letrozole for a few months to see if that helped. Sadly, it didn't and she decided that we needed to see a specialist. Going to see the specialist was the one of the best medical decisions I've ever made. Spoiler alert: I didn't get pregnant while going thru fertility treatments there, but I learned so much from them.

The specialist was kind, explained every little detail to me, gave me a realistic outlook on what we were dealing with, and was no nonsense (in the best kind of way) when it came to putting my health first. He urged me to get another saline sonogram because he truly thought the images that were done before, weren't up to his standards. I fought tooth and nail against it because I had just had one done a few months before and it was so awful for me. Finally, I did what he said and low and behold, I had multiple polyps in my uterus. Polyps can stop you from getting pregnant, so this was a big deal.

A few months later, I had a surgery to remove them and to try and fix the shape of my uterus. It's VERY heart shaped, which can also lead to problems sustaining pregnancy. They ended up finding even more polyps and removed them and then worked to fix the shape of my uterus. It's never going to be 100% when it comes to what they want to see, but it's better.

After that, we did more rounds of Letrozole with ultrasound monitoring, all leading to negative pregnancy tests. They decided we needed to move to IUIs. We did 6 in total, all with trigger shots and  the last one including injectable medication. That one was the worst because we paid a ton of money and I had high hopes, but sadly no pregnancy. They were at a loss for why I wasn't getting pregnant and have now concluded that our infertility struggles were "unexplained."At that point it was time to say goodbye to our doctor and leave for Virginia Beach.

I left SD feeling sad for so many reasons but a BIG one was because I had to start over with another doctor. My previous doctor knew all my history, would call me and check on me on the weekends, and was so compassionate and caring. I became very attached and it was hard for me to imagine connecting with another doctor that way.

When we got to VA Beach, I sought out a primary care doctor so I could get referred to a specialist. Everything with the military takes longer because you need referrals. Finally, I was able to see someone and she agreed that the chances of an IUI working were slim and it was time to move to a more aggressive approach... IVF. To be honest, I was/ am terrified of IVF. The whole idea scares me because of everything involved. I look at others' stories of their successful IVF transfers and I know that in the end it will be worth it. It's the in between that makes me nervous though. I hated giving myself one shot a day, I can't imagine several a day and some of these are intramuscular. :( It's just a lot to take in. But with that being said, I want a baby. I still want a chance for us to try and I know this is the next step, so I completed the immense amount of paperwork and testing to get approved to start through the A.R.T. Institute in Bethesda.

So that's where we are now... waiting to see if we will get the a-okay to begin this summer. We started to get really excited and then I hurt myself and the potential of knee surgery is looming in my future. Everyone keeps saying that IVF can be done later but it works little differently with the military and my husband's schedule. So now we wait....

Some days are full of rays of shiny hope and then others feel so bleak and disappointing. There are moments where I feel strong and confident in the Lord's plan and just as quickly I see someone post about a second or third pregnancy and I feel jealousy rear it's ugly head. I hate comparing myself to others and I especially dislike feeling upset when it should be such a joyful moment. It's an inward battle that never ceases to end.

With all that being said, I am thankful for our story. I have connected with so many women who have had similar struggles and who have reached out wanting to talk or just share their story. These moments remind me that the Lord connects us all and gives us a community in the midst of these tough times. I have also found the most amazing support system. I have friends and family that consistently check in with me about how everything is going. They know when I am going to my appointments and they pray with me every step of the way. I am so grateful to know that these amazing people are invested in me and our potential family. They make this burden easier to carry.

I couldn't write this post without mentioning how amazing my husband has been through this whole process too. He has been my rock ad absolutely steadfast in knowing that we will have a baby one day. His faith has never wavered and he helps keep my eyes on the Lord. I love you Mark!

I hope that collectively, by sharing our stories, and learning to ASK others about their stories, that we will change the stigma that comes from infertility. I hope that this doesn't make you feel bad for me but rather it gives you a little insight into our journey so far. I know our story is far from over and I pray that whatever you are going through that you find solace in prayer and the people around you.

How Infertility Feels

Since last week was Infertility Awareness Week, I wanted to write a post about what it feels like to deal with infertility. Well, I have I sat down to write this post about a dozen times and I'm just really struggling to get all the words out. I'm determined to finish this today though, so bare with me as I stumble through what exactly it is that I want to share. 

Sometimes I feel like infertility is this endless cycle of emotions and it's hard to convey that to others.  I'm going to do my best to give you a snapshot of what infertility has felt like for me.  

Infertility feels...

helpless

tiring

hopeful

guilty

wrong

unfair

intrusive
encouraging

lonely

exhausting

insightful

long
numbing

painful

invasive

confusing

discouraging
barren
expectant
sad

Did you notice that some of these words contradict the others? Yep, that's how confusing and strange infertility can feel. There are some days when I am super positive and hopeful about what the future holds. I pray constantly and cling to the Bible truths. I believe the kind words and reassurances that my friends and family tell me. I smile and feel happiness for those around me who have been blessed with kids. I attend baby showers (heck I even plan them), kids' birthdays, buy baby presents (who doesn't love baby clothes??), listen intently and ask my pregnant friends questions, etc and do it all knowing that one day I will be right there with them.

Then there are other days when I just feel so disheartened by our circumstances. That deep longing to have a family is like a wound that is constantly reopened. I feel exhausted by "faking it" or pretending that everything is okay. I just want to curl up into a ball and just escape from everything. This isn't all the time but just on especially hard days, like the negative pregnancy test days. I've seen so many of those little "negative" tests that I will probably have a heart attack when it finally says "positive."

What's even harder about all of this is when someone tries to tell you what you're doing wrong. Man that hurts. I already feel like it's my fault that I am going through all this. Then someone gives you a suggestion to take something out of your diet or stop doing something, like that is the reason for my infertility. It's just a swift kick to the stomach, because trust me I've already tried those things and low and behold, they didn't magically fix me ;) . Guilt plays a large part in how I feel and I just don't need more of that. I know it mostly comes from a good place but it's just not helpful. I've read so much about my infertility issues and I have the BEST doctors, so I'm truly doing everything I can.

I've spoken pretty openly about what we are going through because I honestly believe it's better to bring light to these situations. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me or to worry about me. I just want people to be aware of what other couples may be facing or if you're also struggling, then you know there is someone having your same feelings. Maybe infertility isn't your struggle but you face anxiety issues or you are battling something else in your life. Whatever it is, sharing it with someone will relieve some of that burden and allow you to feel lighter in the midst of your journey.

Also, I truly believe in the power of prayer. So even though I don't want you to pity me, I will always take your prayers. There are many of you out there who have been praying for me since day one and I cannot thank you enough. You've held my hand, attended appointments with me, listened to me cry, listen to me rant about yet again another ultrasound, and complain about how much it all costs. You are my people and I will be forever grateful for your support. One day I will tell Baby Bradford how you were there for her (I think we will have a girl lol) mommy and daddy.

To my husband- you are my rock and have listened to every single thought I've had about this subject, and let's be real... I talk a lot :)  You've never diminished my feelings or made me feel bad about my body and what it can/ can't do. You ask me questions and just hug me when I'm feeling too sad to talk.  You're my rock and my biggest supporter. My constant guide back to God when I am too angry to pray. You're going to be the best dad one day.

**I'm so very thankful that there is a computer screen between us so you don't have to see me ugly cry! :)

Thank you for reading this and being apart of my journey. If you want to read any more about our infertility season, click this link.

Season of Waiting

I truly feel that this season in our life is about waiting. My word for the year should have been patience lol but I also don't want to be patient any more. It's like the childish side of myself comes out and I just want to stomp my feet and throw a tantrum. Anyone else been there?? It's not helpful to react in that way or to react at all. I know this, but I still find those moments where I want to scream.

There are other times when I am so grateful for what we have. I am so grateful for the time spent together as husband and wife without kiddos around. I'm so thankful for the flexibility that allows for last minute plans and random nights out with friends. I look at my life and think, I am so blessed. I have incredible people around me, a husband who is literally the best, a job I love, a business that I am so passionate about, and I live in San Diego. How can I complain right?? But then, this feeling of something missing comes over me. I feel like there is a part of my life that hasn't started, even though I've wanted it to for so long. I wonder if that part will ever be filled or maybe it's just not in the cards for us. That feeling is so hard. It like a wave of hurt that just breaks my heart and it's painful to even type those words.

There are moments in prayer when I get so frustrated and just want to know why. Why is this our path? Why couldn't it just be easy like it is for so many? Or why couldn't things have worked when we found what the issue was/is and fixed it?? At the same time, I know that every single person has some struggle, whether they admit it or not. It may not be with trying to conceive, it may be with their marriage, job, family, lack of joy, etc. We all have something and I think it helps us connect to others to be able to relate.

I've actually reconnected with some many old friends and even met new friends by sharing this struggle. I've talked about this before, but bringing light to this darkness in my life, has been a good thing. People are so kind and just want you to know that they love you and are constantly thinking of you. The kindness and generosity makes me cry and thank the Lord for their compassionate hearts.

So, do we still desire to have a baby? Yes, more than anything. Do I still have hope that it will happen? Yes, every single day, even when I have those moments of hopelessness. We will just continue to wait and follow the path that the Lord has set before us. If you're also in this season, just know that there are people who are in the trenches with you. We get you, we pray for you, and we want things to change for you as well.

When Life Doesn't Go As Planned

Raise your hand if you've ever had a plan but then something went haywire. Lol yes, me too! Mark and I joke that every time we planned a surprise or a date for each other, something would go wrong. I got Mark and myself tickets to Opening Day for the Padres one year. I bought the all-you-can-eat section and we came to the game starving. Sadly, when we got to our seats we realized that they were not all-you-can-eat, and $80 later we were full of hotdogs and nachos lol. The good news is that we had GREAT seats!

Another example, Mark planned a romantic getaway to Julian for my birthday/ Valentine's day. The hotel he booked was a cute little hole-in-the-wall hotel, or so we thought. He specifically picked this place because they included a wine tour. When we got to the room to check-in, we found out the wine tours ended the hour before... bummer. The real surprise was when we pulled around to the back to park by our room. The place was super run down and looked like the perfect place for a murder movie to be filmed lol. The water in our room was brown and Mark slept with his gun next to the bed. Also, we both got sick from dinner! Oh man lol. We ended up having a great time but we always laugh at our misadventures.

Well there are some things in life that go wrong and they aren't things that you look back and laugh at, or even think fondly of afterwards. They are heart-wrenching, gut-check type moments/ seasons of life. I feel like we are in one of those seasons right now. I spoke pretty openly about our infertility struggles in a post about a month ago. If you missed it click here to read it. I was shocked by the amount of people who reached out and are going through something similar or who just wanted to send some prayers and love our way. It's amazes me every time I find myself being vulnerable, that people will just surround us with love. It reminds me of how many kind, compassionate, and good people we have in our lives.

I cry just thinking about the sweet texts, emails, and calls I get on a weekly basis from people just checking in. A little note saying, "How's everything going? Any news?" makes my day. Thank you, thank you, thank you! On top of that, the prayer warriors that have come beside me, bless me in more ways than they could ever know.

So are our struggles over? Nope, we are smack dab in the middle of still trying to have a baby and figure out why my body isn't along for the ride. It's frustrating, hurtful, sad, beyond irritating, and can be all-consuming.

So what do we do in the mean time? Sometimes I want to curl up in my bed and cry... and sometimes that happens... whoops. What I really should be doing is focusing on the things I can control, like my attitude and my focus. I didn't come up with this idea on my own though. My friend Katie is an awesome writer and has a blog, A Kup of Katie. She's so stinking adorable and her blog is packed full of positivity and motivational content. You should definitely check it out!

Katie and I recently had a conversation where she reminded me that I can always control how I respond to my situation. We need to give ourselves time to process what is happening and how we are going to look at our circumstances. I can't change the fact that I am not pregnant but I can allow myself time with God to ask for His patience and strength. I can choose to focus on the things that make me happy, not as a distraction but as a way to feel true joy. I am the queen of distracting myself and that's not healthy either.

So I'm making a conscious effort to not let my situation define me and to choose joy despite how I am really feeling.  I'm choosing to thank God for the people He's brought into our lives, especially during this time. I'm choosing to be grateful for the many people who have come along side us and not shied away from this "uncomfortable" topic. I'm choosing to be a prayer warrior myself and pray boldly for those around us dealing with life circumstances that are not what they planned. I am challenging you to do the same. Reach out to someone who is going through a tough time... it doesn't matter if you haven't talked in years. You might just change the way they look at life!